Once every year, Americans gather with their families to celebrate the beginning of white supremacy in the United States. They call this holiday “Thanksgiving,” but those of us who are woke call it “The Day White People Destroyed the American Continent by Creating an Oppressive Capitalist Regime.” We are still working on shortening the name, but the point remains.
On this day, ignorant souls cheerfully gorge themselves on turkey, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole, while minorities suffer in darkness; police are shooting black men in the streets by the thousands, women are having their rights taken away, and gay couples are struggling to force Christians to bake their wedding cakes.
Members of the resistance must do our part to combat the patriarchal white supremacist power structure on the day otherwise known as “Thanksgiving.”
Do Not Celebrate
First, you must make sure that you do not enjoy this holiday. This is the time of year when you must be miserable, and do your best to make everyone else feel the same way.
A good social justice warrior knows that white men from Europe came to the continent and immediately slaughtered the natives, who were living simple, peaceful lives. Your duty is to make sure that you mention this to your family members at every opportunity. The last thing you want is for these people to see today as a happy time.
Handling Your Deplorable Relatives
Most of you probably have relatives who have decided to become hateful, bigoted Nazis. If this is the case, you are to be pitied beyond all hope. Think about it. People who want to kill blacks, deport all Hispanics and enslave women share your DNA. To make matters worse, you have to interact with these individuals.
While many believe it is not a good idea to bring up politics during holidays, you are a noble progressive social justice warrior, and you know better. The key is to make sure you do not engage in civil conversations with your relatives who are ushering in the second coming of the Third Reich. By no means should you sit down with them and find areas of common ground. Instead, you must adhere to the leftist playbook. If they make an argument that you cannot refute, call them a racist, sexist or homophobe.
Here’s an example: Let’s say your Trump-supporting cousin brings up the idea that the president decimated ISIS. You can’t possibly turn this into a negative, so the best course of action would be to scream “Islamophobe!” over and over again until he, she or ze gets up and walk away.
Turkeys Are White Supremacists
President Donald Trump once again abused his office by issuing a pardon for one of the most insidious birds in the world. He refused to put to death a turkey, which is well-known for its tasty white meat. Even worse, consuming the flesh of this bird can put you to sleep, which is exactly what the white supremacist patriarchy wants. After all, if we are asleep, the deplorables will take the opportunity to have fun on this horrible day.
Do not eat the turkey. Actually, you probably shouldn’t eat anything. Your refusal to partake in the feast will show your family members that you mean business. Many a family has been converted to our cause by one person taking a stand against Thanksgiving dinner. How many? Well… um… it doesn’t matter! We are making a difference for social justice!
Everything Is Wrong
Typically, people celebrate Thanksgiving by socializing with one another. Before and after dinner, these people will congregate in the living room or perhaps the backyard to catch up and discuss their lives. Do not allow yourself to be pulled into this meaningless display of camaraderie.
Instead, you should slink off to an isolated chair, sit down, and think about the many evils of white supremacy. Make sure that you do not smile or smirk. Instead, a condescending scowl should be plastered over your face throughout the holiday. If someone asks you what is wrong, just respond, “What is wrong? Everything is wrong!”
It is then time to launch into a tirade about the myriad of evils being perpetrated by President Trump and those who support him. Remember, do not engage in conversation. Just preach about the virtues of progressivism. If anyone opens their mouth to speak, raise your voice and shout “bigot!”
Do Not Be Grateful
Some people think that this day is about being grateful, but you are enlightened. You are woke. You know that nobody in this dreadful country has anything for which to be grateful. This nation is a morass of violence, bigotry, and imperialism, and you had damned well better not appreciate anything this country has done for you.
Do not forget that the United States is a nation that oppresses racial minorities, allows people to engage in hate speech, and refuses to seize the guns of law-abiding citizens – everyone knows that only police and criminals should possess firearms.
The social justice warrior’s duty is to wallow in his, her or zir sense of injustice; to make sure everyone knows that America is the worst country on Earth. But even more than that, this holiday gives us the perfect opportunity to signal our virtue. They are the oppressors, but you are a hero, tirelessly working to undo the very fabric of the United States. Perhaps one day, when Bernie Sanders is elected Supreme Leader of America, there will be a holiday named after you. What could be better?