Well, it’s that time again.
If you’re a political junkie — and you must be if you’re reading this — you will be reading tons of articles predicting what will happen in the realm of American politics in the year 2018. Political pundits all over the country are sharing their view of what they think will occur in the coming year and the rest of us sit back wondering if they’re right or wrong.
I’ll make it easy: everyone is wrong — except me.
I have peered into my magic crystal ball and seen what’s on the horizon — and it ain’t pretty. But it is pretty funny — unless you’re Harvey Weinstein. So buckle in, and let’s take a look.
President Trump Will Have The Best Year Ever, Believe Me
Donald Trump says he’s going to have a great year — the best year. No president has ever had a year as good as Trump is going to have in 2018, believe me. He knows all about having great years folks, don’t believe what the fake news is telling you. In 2018, Trump is going to win, bigly.
A high-ranking official in the Trump administration stated that aides closest to the president have spent most of 2017 working out detailed strategies to keep Trump off Twitter. “Ever notice how the president’s approval rating goes up whenever he’s overseas? That’s because he’s too busy to tweet,” the official said.
Some of these strategies include pointing behind the president, telling him to “look over there,” and then snatching his phone and running like crazy. Another tactic involves swiping Trump’s phone when he’s sleeping and replacing it with Paul Ryan’s phone. Not only would that keep Trump from tweeting, it would make Ryan’s Twitter feed that much more interesting.
The Embattled Democratic Lawmakers
The Democrats have big plans for 2018. If Rep. Maxine Waters manages to avoid being investigated for yet another ethics breach, it is expected that she will continue to stand on the steps of the Capitol building with a bullhorn chanting “impeach him,” to a crowd of bewildered onlookers.
Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s star is rising high after she said that Senator Al Franken shouldn’t resign in the face of sexual harassment allegations, then later said that he should resign in the face of sexual harassment allegations. Her support for Bill Clinton and her subsequent withdrawal of said support also demonstrated that she is sincere in her convictions — sometimes. She is expected to vigorously flip-flop on a myriad of crucial issues next year.
Senator Chuck Schumer will continue to whine about Trump doing something or other. Our beloved Nancy Pelosi plans to keep screaming “Armageddon” if the GOP actually takes a break from doing absolutely nothing to pass legislation. Speaking of the GOP, let’s take a look at their future, shall we?
The Grand Ol’ Party
Fresh off their major tax reform victory, the GOP is set to have a big year ahead of them and a wonderful opportunity to royally screw everything up. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell indicated that he plans to do exactly that. “Well, tax reform was our only major piece of legislation this year, but look on the bright side, the bar is set pretty low for 2018, isn’t it? Let’s just see what happens,” he said, before lying down for his morning nap.
But the GOP establishment will have other obstacles ahead of them. As stated previously, the media is working overtime to paint Republican lawmakers as heartless bigots who want to strip away people’s healthcare and throw them out into the streets. However, the media and the Democrats aren’t the GOP’s only challenge; they are also facing opposition from the right.
The Stalwart Steve Bannon
Steve Bannon, a former advisor to President Trump and the head of Breitbart News, will continue waging war against the Republican establishment. Mitch McConnell called Bannon out in a recent press conference where he said “You wanna get nuts Bannon? C’mon! Let’s get nuts!” The Breitbart CEO retorted, “I’m your huckleberry.”
After exchanging a few more movie quotes, the two were scheduled to settle their differences in a spirited fistfight, but McConnell overslept,and Bannon was too busy “disavowing” Paul Nehlen, the anti-Semitic challenger for Paul Ryan’s house seat. Bannon is expected to combat the GOP establishment by doing what he does best: backing horrible candidates for Congress.
Don’t Forget About Hillary!
Hillary Clinton will continue to babble about her devastating loss in 2016 — and the American public will continue to ignore her. Democrats will secretly hope she retires to any place where they no longer have to humor her. There have also been rumors that Clinton plans to write another book; this one entitled: “No Seriously, It Really Was Everyone Else’s Fault!”
The Establishment Media’s Bid To Impeach Trump
When President Trump was elected in November 2016, the establishment media was shocked. They went through an estimated 2,598 pearl necklaces from all the clutching. They have one mission in 2017: destroy the president at all costs, by any means necessary. Our vaunted fourth estate decided to adopt a tried and true strategy: lie, lie and lie some more. After all, it worked on Bush, didn’t it?
2018 will be no different. Next year, CNN will publish story after story intended to make us all believe that Trump is a secret agent working for Russia. An anonymous source at CNN stated, “Yeah we got him dead to rights on this Russia thing. We’ve got anonymous sources who have given us unverified information that Trump probably helped Putin hack the election — maybe.”
The Social Justice Left’s Ongoing Struggle Against Everyone
In 2017, the social justice left fought against the injustices of every phobia and ‘ism they could invent. From claiming that milk is racist, to seeking counseling when conservative speakers like Ben Shapiro visited their college campuses, our intrepid snowflakes have worked hard to annoy normal Americans with their insufferable whimpering about the white male patriarchy.
Jackie Joyless, a women’s studies major at UC Berkeley, stated that social justice advocates all over the nation would be rising up in this coming year to fight against President Trump and his army of Nazis. “We’re using a brand-new approach. We will prattle on about racism, sexism, homophobia, and Islamophobia without stopping,” she said.
After I pointed out that this was the same asinine strategy they pulled last year, she called me a racist, screamed at the top of her lungs, and cried until her face was purple.
2018 Will Be An Interesting Year
Unfortunately, I was unable to predict the results of the midterm elections as I ran out of quarters to deposit into my crystal ball, but it’s clear that 2018 will certainly be a tumultuous year in American politics. Let’s hope we can manage to hold the world together for another twelve months.
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