President Donald Trump is killing people.

No really, he’s killing them.

At least, this is the latest theory from The Washington Post. In a piece entitled “President Trump is killing me. Really,” Dana Milbank claims he is experiencing “fatigue, headaches, poor sleep, even some occasional chest pain.” Not only that, his blood pressure is sky-high.

What Is Causing Milbank’s Illness?

So, to what does Milbank attribute his ailments? The stress of the job? Getting older? Struggling with finding creative ways to attack the Trump administration?

Not quite.

Milbank claims that he had been “the picture of health,” however, “eight months into Trump’s presidency,” he was “suddenly ailing.” He told his doctor that “Trump is the only variable.” According to the author, he has been afflicted with “Trump Hypertensive Unexplained Disorder (THUD).”

As there is no actual medical definition of this condition, I decided to create my own:

“Trump Hypertensive Unexplained Disorder is a condition suffered by self-absorbed leftists who cannot accept the fact that Donald Trump won the 2016 election. Symptoms include excessive whining, writing ridiculous op-eds, making up fake illnesses, and blaming all of the world’s evils on President Trump – because he is literally Hitler.”

Testing Milbank’s Hypothesis

In order to test his theory that Trump is the cause of his physical ailments, Milbank bought a blood-pressure monitor because he wanted to track his progress – and because he had nothing better to do. Here is what he wrote about his experiment:

“I am spending the evening with friends. Blood pressure: 116/67.

Trump says he is going to respond to North Korea with “fire and fury.” Blood pressure: 150/95.

I’m at home with the kids. Blood pressure: 117/69.

Jeff Sessions says they’re scrapping the DACA program: 137/92.

Trump agrees with “Chuck and Nancy” to avoid a debt-limit fight. Blood pressure: 122/81.

I remember that Trump’s term lasts another 40 months. Blood pressure: 159/97.”

THUD Is a Widespread Phenomenon

The article goes on to argue that his THUD is not an isolated issue; indeed, Milbank believes it might be a “widespread phenomenon.” Why? Because a dentist told him that “orders have surged in the Washington area for night guards because more people are clenching and grinding their teeth in the Trump era.”

Milbank also claims that “Psychotherapists tell me that they are unusually busy and that most clients are talking about Trump, who is exacerbating whatever neurosis, depression, or other conditions they had.”

He says that these results might be “quantifiable,” but he’s not interested in researching the issue further because his “heart can only take so much.” However, it’s more likely that readers of The Washington Post could only take so much of Milbank’s bloviating.

Later in the piece, Milbank makes the unsupported claim that THUD is “less pervasive in parts of the country that supported Trump.” Why? Because the “recent epidemic of Obama Derangement Syndrome” has subsided.

If this is true, perhaps it is because conservatives don’t feel the need to invent fake illnesses when they can’t think of a better way to make a political argument. After all, when was the last time you heard someone say that President Obama made them sick – wait, don’t answer that. Maybe Milbank has a point here.

Milbank Will Survive!

Fortunately, it looks like Milbank is going to make it. Since he has discovered his fake illness in its early stages, he will not succumb to its effects. It appears that President Trump’s diabolical scheme to create a new disease that kills everyone who disagrees with him has failed – at least in Milbank’s case.

In a completely unrelated story, Senators Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and members of Antifa have been heard complaining that they are experiencing “fatigue, headaches, poor sleep, even some occasional chest pain.” Perhaps THUD is real after all.